Ludmila
The protagonist, a young woman from the fictional former Soviet nation of Ublilsk-Kuzhniskia. She has green eyes, pretty hair, and unusual breasts described as having "nipples like tiny dog-snouts quivering up". Determined to escape poverty and her lecherous grandfather's attempts to sexually abuse her, Ludmila seeks her fortune in the West as a mail-order bride.

Blair Albert and Gordon-Marie Heath
Formerly conjoined twins from northern England who were surgically separated at age 33. After being separated, Blair becomes a polenta-loving free market capitalist, while Gordon retains his working-class ways and is nicknamed "Bunny" due to his "generous ears and snaggle teeth". Their contrasting personalities serve as a clunky satire.

Ludmila's Relatives
Her peasant family in Ublilsk-Kuzhniskia, including her lecherous grandfather who tries to sodomize her, her mother, brother, and grandmother. They speak in broken, mangled English full of insults like "Smack your cuckoo!" and "Cut your spastic hatch!" despite being portrayed as speaking their native "Ubli" language.

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