Every morning I wake up and in about two minutes I'm weeping ... I just cry and cry. I take a pill, go to bed and start to write or reread something I've written, and suddenly I start to cry. There's just to much pain somebody can endure. How can I carry it around all the time? The pain is not about any one thing: it's about a lot of things. I'm so unhappy. I just have to come to terms with something. There is something wrong, I don't know what it is, and I don't think any of these jerky analysts know either.
"Because of my childhood, because I always had the sense of being abandoned, certain things have fantastic effects on me, beyond what someone else might feel ... (People who love me) don't know that I spent three of four years of my childhood locked up in hotel rooms. I can name the people on one hand who really care about me and want to see my way through my troubles. And though they're friends, even they have vested interest in me.
"I can go three of four months without having a drink. And then suddenly I'm waling down the street and I feel that I'm going to die, that I can't put one foot in front of the onther unless I have a drink. So I step into a bar. Soemone who's not an alcoholic couldn't understand. But suddenly I feel so tired. I've had this problem with alcoholism for about fifteen years. I've gone into hospitals, I've tried Antabuse, I've done everything. But nothing seems to work. I keep thinking things will be right when I finish the book, when I dump Johnny O'Shea (his friend), or when I look beautiful. Well, the book is okay now - I can see the end. I finished with Johnny, and I dropped forty pounds. And things are not all right. I don't know what to do next.
"I've asked myself a thousand times: why did this happen to me? what did I wrong? And I think the reason is that I was famous too young. I pushed to hard too soon. I wish somebody would write what it's really like to be a celebrity ..."